The Wizzy Aisle

“You are not alone, just look around you,” I say as we stroll down the supermarket aisle. “You’re not the only octogenarian who has trouble turning the tap off. Providing nappies for newborns and pads for parents is saturation coverage and a marketer’s dream.”

The shelves are awash with absorbent pads. There’s a flood of them, neatly stacked in all shapes and sizes: winged ones, wide ones, long ones, slim ones, super absorbent ones, pink, blue, green and white ones.

It’s soul destroying, belittling, embarrassing, constraining and downright inconvenient as one reverts to nursery days, when the bladder puts a squeeze on one’s movements. But it can also be fun. Toilet humour runs deep. Bottom jokes are met with belly laughter and making light of any leakages is enough to wet ones pants.

When it comes to incontinence, no confidence motions are on the rise in our house. The problem is not so much in the movement but rather, in keeping up supplies to cater for increasing demand. It has a huge bearing on the GDP.

Legend has it that shopping for bananas at Woolies in Neutral Bay can do wonders for the male ego but maintaining sanity in the sanitary section is a different story.There was a time when I’d hover at the ‘personal hygiene’ section for women, waiting for other shoppers to pass by before thumbing through the cushioned offerings. It’s a difficult place for a bloke to loiter. Where exactly is one expected to look? Libra, Olay or Cover Girl anyone?

Initially I would turn crimson when caught pawing at the pads but no longer blush. It’s a confidence thing. Today, displaying plenty of poise, I gently sidle up the aisle and dive straight in for my booty before heading in the direction of the bananas.

For the moment I’m wedded to the wizzy aisle – a marriage that is sure to pay off. For in 30 years or so I will be well equipped to pick the number one product for my own ‘number ones’ problem. They’ll be no stuffing around when I get home; just peel, stick and lift.

A ‘value’ pack of my client’s favourite brand has just landed on the shelves. Look out Costco here I come! Purchasing a palate full of Poise will surely give Pink Day at the SCG a run for its money.

From Tena’s Maxi Night Pads to Select Everyday Confidence and Carefree Plus Longs, when it comes to personal plumbing, I’m your man. But I don’t do poo. A line is drawn at number twos, a problem best addressed by wearing a pair of Aladdin’s trousers.

Next item, Depend Real Fit Underwear.