Covid Calling

"Hello, Simon Dean speaking", I said.
"Hello Dean, it's Simon speaking", he replied.

Was it tinitus, a deaf ear or the fact that he worked in the miscommunications department of the same hotel as I did that caused confusion?

His sloppy salutation infuriated me. We shared christian names, were supposed to be au fait with hospitality and yet he still couldn't wrap his tongue around a correct greeting.

Meeting Simon in the lobby put the name to my face but the moniker was lost in translation via the phone.

Without eye contact that either cements bona fide banter or feigns disinterest, speaking to a faceless being, a nobody, just a voice, can be risky business. That was the case for me in the 80s.  

Talking on the now near extinct 'land line' filled me with fear. I prospected through a copy of the White Pages for business, selected a company at random and made a cold call in the hope that someone would buy what I was selling.

Rejection was rife. The suspecting targets often adopted a similar script that my mother read when she was harassed by pedlars at home. A simple question delivered in a crisp, ice-cold manner stopped spruikers in mid sentence. "Did I ask you to call?" she said, quickly followed by "well, don't" before returning the phone receiver to its cradle. Unsolicited calls from India were despatched with aplomb.

Now in the digital age my phone phobia has returned while conducting outreach calls to travellers  quarantined in hotels as part of the Covid 19 restrictions.

I'm not selling anything, just chatting and extending a voice of friendship. But the phone calls can catch some in lock down unaware and understandably result in a frosty reception.

I've triggered a telemarketing trauma within me. My temperature rises, I lose taste and develop a nervous cough before clearing my throat and muttering an audible rehearsal of my call script.

Texting is the virus I prefer. Muting one's voice box and punching the a key pad with fat fingers and a degree of anonymity does have its advantages.

It takes me at least one hour before nerves settle, I press the red call symbol on my mobile and begin. "Hello, it's Simon Dean speaking." "Hello Dean, it's ...